Creativity is a Gyp

Writing something you like is akin to peeling back the top of your skull and having a potion of well-bread, supple and hilarious thoughts dumped in. The conception of ideas has nothing to do with you. Thoughts spontaneously pop in to say hello, and the best you can do is entertain them, offer a few light alcoholic spirits, coddle gently, and hope these exotic visitors linger a few days so they can be shown off to the neighbours.

I'm pretty sure that a beardy fellow, with a belly full of laughs, a large staff filled with spells, and a thirst for spiced milk is behind all your great ideas. Periodically, he's gracious enough to grant you access to a few of these choice insights, all of which are culled from the rich breadth of his dusty library. These thoughts, which you translate to the page, are the result of a cool blue potion of tightly-bound wit, which he has dribbled softly through your brain cells during the moments you are looking the other way.

And still, the peculiar mixture of wild cloves and robust dick jokes that manifest themselves from within the potion, create a crass tone and abrasive flavour, novel sensations that perk your suspicion. Perhaps the fertile potion our dear wizard has been trickling down the cracks of your mind was conjured by Haxbury County's local apothecary after all, and not the ancient friend you once thought. Does it deflate you even further to suspect that the recipe to your most creative ideas is a product of outsourcing?

Recipe:

1 Andrew Dice Clay VHS cassette tape, (title not specified) preferably rewound.
3 Large cloves.
1 Bottle of Brio.
3 Teaspoons of blue food colouring.

1) Combine ingredients in pot, cauldron, etc.

2) Find a newborn baby.

3) Without detaching the tiny hands, scrunch the infant fingers into a paw and whisk the contents into a froth, do not heat the cauldron while whisking, the baby is still alive.

4) After whisking is complete, heat to a boil, let simmer, then refrigerate for 24 hours.

Note: The VHS tape will take nearly 18 years to whisk to a froth using a human hand scrunched into a paw, at which time the infant will have matured to the age by which it is legal to whisk the contents of a boiling pot with a hand fashioned into a paw, (assuming that consent is implied). Despite this being a fascinating note, the truth is, boiling the mixture after the whisking is complete adds just ten minutes of extra preparation time, which is relatively inconsequential considering 18 years have passed.